Am I supposed to feel anything? Is it bad to be feeling nothing at all?

My gran just passed away. I'm not close to her so I guess it's normal that I'm not sobbing. But I can't feel anything even as I walk round to look at her in the coffin for the last time, her eyes closed, her body so still, so still.

Something happened two nights ago, partially my fault for cracking a joke at the wrongest time. You're not talking to me, you're not telling me anything. It's your nature, I know, but should I not have more rights to be your audience? When I do something wrong, you don't tell me, instead you throw it over your shoulder and say you've forgotten and leave me to wonder what I've done wrong so I may never repeat again. How am I supposed to know specifically what I've done to trigger it? Even if I hound you for you, you'll just tell me not to bring it up because you've forgotten/you don't want to be reminded of it - TL;DR, you don't like it. When you do something to make me upset/anything, I have to answer you and if I continue to be quiet about it or feel anything about it, I'm immediately a psycho in need of anger management. What am I supposed to do? I have no fucking clue.

Am I supposed to feel anything? Is it bad to be feeling nothing at all?

I'm not quite sure if I can't feel anything, or I don't want to feel anything.



I feel like I'm going to relapse soon. I feel that nothingness creep in to my system again. I don't feel good and this time, I don't even want to save myself. My happiness does not lie in you totally, but you will mess me up so bad I won't be able to heal from it.