I want to get used to your voice. I want it to fill the pitter-patter of the rain, I want it to fill the emptiness in between songs shuffling, I want it to fill all I hear. If the day should come where I can no longer see you, I want to know it’s you without a doubt.

I want to get used to your touch. I want to feel it in the morning rays that rouse me from my slumber, I want to feel it in the wind that ruffles my hair, I want the warmth that is only from you. If the day should come where I can no longer see you, I want to know it’s you undoubtedly.

I want to get used to your presence. I want to know it’s you without having to turn around, I want to know it’s you without needing my eyes to tell me so. I want to know you.

I want to know everything about you.

All over again.

I want to know the curves of your face intimately. The shape of your eyes, the way your cheeks are chiselled, the knots your eyebrows make. I want to know the sound of your voice personally. The highest and lowest pitches before your voice breaks, the way it cracks in the mornings, the roundness as you pronounce certain words.

I want to know you closer. So much closer.

All over again.

I don't know what to feel. Why would you say such things to me? I'm trying not to read too much into it.

"I won't leave you."
"Even if we fight, just know that I'll come back. You must too, okay?"

I'm glad we've cleared our misunderstandings. I'm sad it took us so long, it took us 3 years to figure ourselves out. But we needed to be apart, we needed to be apart to grow and to become better people. I had to figure myself out, I had to find my own voice, I had to be stronger. You had your problems to work out. I'm just sad I couldn't be there for you, but you wouldn't have been able to be around for me anyway. My sorrow is so deep, it might've eaten you up.

I'd be lying if I said I tried to forget you, I tried to leave you.

I couldn't. I wasn't able to. You are my muse, you are my first love.

I have so many things I want to tell you. I have so much I want you to be a part of. I have loved and still love you as much it scares me. I never knew I was capable of such abilities, I never knew anyone could mean so much to me. I never knew anyone could take my walls down so gently. I never knew anyone could still be around me even after seeing that ugliness peeking through my facade.

Why would you say such things to me?

I know we're both different now - we've grown, we've matured, we take things better in our stride now. It's clear to me you understand yourself better now, you don't shy away from small things you used to.

I'd like to think I mean something to you. It doesn't have to be much, I'd like to think I'm someone you want to keep around for a long time. I'd like to think I'm a special friend to you. I'd like to think you remember the nights we spent together.

I don't need anyone to save me. You didn't see me as a cripple, you didn't try to be a savior. You were just there for me.

Why would you say such things to me?

I'm trying to hold it all in like I've did the past 3 years. But you mean too much to me. Yes I know I might overwhelm you but I've already warned you. You sound ready, you sound like you're prepared. I will not rush into it, I don't want to scare you away. But it surprised me to hear such a solid statement from you. I don't know what to feel now. You know, I might cry if you mean it like I have it in my head.

I want to keep writing about you. I want to keep thinking about you. I want to be able to always be around you. I like you so much, my love for you is unconditional. I want you to be really happy. At the same time, I can't live without you.

I wonder how you're doing now. I can't wait for the two weeks to go by. I want to see you. I need to know how you feel. I don't want to ever stop loving you. I just want to lie beside you, I just want to hold your hand.

This surprising turn of events has left my insides so shocked, I'm paralysed. I cannot take it all in... To know I haven't just been feeling it myself. I wonder if you ever thought about me. I wonder if you ever missed me, like I missed you.

I wonder if you'll be the one who will take my hand now. You should know by now that I am already yours. I have already been yours 3 years ago. You will always have a part of my heart. I love you so much, my entire being cannot contain it. How is this even possible?

Why would you say such things to me? I would say the same to you too, I just never saw it coming. Never.

There's a reason why it's called the Past and things that are in there will always remain there. You are the Present and that's why you cannot stay in the Past. You can visit it but you cannot stay. There are happy things, there are sad things, but there is nothing you can change so stop dwelling in there. Think deep, don't sink - visit the past but do not let it trap you.

I've been away, I've grown. I'm different but I was not around. I was not there. I've been away, I've changed. I'm different, I'm stronger. I'm wiser... but I need to remember that nothing lasts forever. I need to remember to live in the now, for the now. You can plan for the future, but you cannot live in the Future when you belong in the Present. There are only 24 hours a day and there's no point using that up for the Future when it will come to you eventually.

Sometimes I wish it were this easy to accept things as they come, as they go. There are so many things in life I can close an eye to, many things I'd closed my eyes to. But this I don't know what I can do.

Happiness and sadness is overrated. I just want to be at peace with myself... then happy.

I don't know why - you're just a boy. You're just a boy and it shouldn't really matter. You look good, I won't deny, you are smart, that I can see, but you're just a boy and it shouldn't really matter.

Yet you've managed to occupy my mind for most of my waking hours, consciously and unconsciously. You're just a boy who was once dear to me, you're just a boy who saw me when I wasn't expecting anything, you're just a boy who treated me like I had a purpose to be here.

You're also the boy who took my walls down the gentlest I'd ever seen, you're also the boy who showed me there's more than meets the eye, you're that one boy who I found good reason to place my trust in.

But that is all in the past. I shouldn't linger there anymore. I wonder, how have you been? I wonder, if you'd lived well.

You're still my muse after all these years, there isn't any bad reason for it. You'll still be, maybe into the future. And now we're back here, having gone one full circle. I will live in the now and not expect anything more.

Thank you.

Mornings are so slow, I am awake too early.

Mornings go by really slow, but if I could I would spend every minute of it with you.